Gamabunta
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: Naruto and Neji's fight goes a little differently... [crack]


**Gamabunta**

A _Naruto_ oneshot(?)

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Naruto U., Neji H., Gamabunta; [N/A]

Summary: Naruto and Neji's fight goes a little differently... [crack]

* * *

Neji Hyuuga had a firm belief in fate. How could he not? All things were foreseen within the arrow of time, if only one knew how to divine them. And if it was foreknown then how could it not, in the end, be predestined? No, he knew very well that no amount of struggling could alter fate. The destiny of those born into the branch house of the Hyuuga clan weighed ever on his mind. He knew, he knew with absolute conviction that you could not fight fate, and he was certain that he understood where lay the fates of every person he met.

His eyes saw much. Too much for his confused and troubled mind, perhaps. He was aware, excruciatingly aware, of every subconscious action people took around him. He could analyze people's smallest tics and gestures, perceiving their emotional states and predicting their likely actions. It wasn't the automatic, material precognition of the sharingan—but if Uchiha only read the body, then Hyuuga very nearly read the mind.

So Neji felt certain that this dull, obnoxious, predictably yapping whelp would go down like all the rest. Naruto Uzumaki was no different from those like Lee and Hinata. Losers were losers forever. This applied to him as much as to anyone. In frustration at this fact, seeing his own great abilities yet knowing that, ultimately, he could never be anything more than an expendable shield for the Hyuuga main branch, Neji despaired. And in bitterness he wanted all others to feel that same despair.

It didn't matter what a person did. Their fate was decided from the moment they were conceived.

...so what the hell was all this?

A toad the size of a large house, smoking a pipe that looked to have been carved from a whole tree, wearing an open coat that might have draped over a third of the stadium, bearing at its side a sword whose forging must have taken so much iron and fuel and coke as to deforest and strip-mine one side of a small hill, stood in the middle of the arena. Smoke filled the air, and not just from tobacco.

A part of Neji, looking up at the giant pipe, wondered where on earth this toad could get enough snuff to sustain any amount of smoking. Surely it would take the yield of an entire plantation just to supply its habit, if it smoked at anything resembling a normal rate for its body mass. And what did it _eat_ to grow that big and not die of starvation? How could it stand up under its own weight?

It was inconceivable.

This was Neji's first encounter with a creature so large. A man who saw an elephant for the first time might be overwhelmed at its size, but this toad looked like it could have eaten a bull elephant in one gulp. It very well could have eaten Neji and not even felt it, the way a man might eat a single cracker.

This thought struck Neji like a hammer blow, and it disturbed him.

Every human has a certain set of primal fears beneath all rational derivation. These were instinctive fears that could not be reasoned out of existence. One such fear, maybe, was the fear of being eaten alive. Neji had never felt that particular fear until now, but now that he perceived this huge beast, he was struck with the immediate, profound horror of how easily it might swallow him whole. He would barely even constitute a snack to something so large. It would be a commitment of almost no effort at all for it to snap him up and gulp him down.

Neji briefly imagined himself digesting in the toad's stomach.

Like a deer he stood paralyzed, unable to even flee.

* * *

It was a spur of the moment decision. Naruto had been hoping to save this move for the finals, maybe for when he fought Sasuke. The idea in his head had been that he could pull out his summoning jutsu in the final fight and wow the audience, but the longer his fight with Neji went, the more impatient Naruto got. He'd had an other idea for how he could beat Neji, and it would have been very clever—digging over to him under cover of the guy's own monologue and punching him from underground, or something of that sort.

The decision to change his plan and drop Gamabunta into the arena was kind of a last minute one. It felt cheap to Naruto, but he really wanted to make some kind of point to Neji, and a part of him was also just really eager to show off his new jutsu. So he summoned the toad boss right when things were seeming to go particularly against his favor.

Naruto had no idea how very lucky it was that he'd succeeded in summoning Gamabunta. He couldn't have done it without drawing on the kyuubi's chakra, and he wouldn't have drawn on that if he hadn't just gotten his chakra network blocked off by Neji's last attack.

But he _had_ succeeded, luckily enough.

* * *

Sakura and Ino stared from the stands.

"Holy crap," said the former. "Where did Naruto learn to do _that?_ "

"How should I know?" said the latter. "He's _your_ teammate."

"I wasn't asking _you_ , Ino!" Sakura snapped back, regressing a little in annoyance.

"Then don't say it like a question, billboard brow!"

"Skank!"

"Whore!"

This conversation then degenerated into a cat fight.

Chouji watched, munching popcorn. Shikamaru groaned and threw up his hands.

Hinata, some ways away, stared at Naruto with an utterly smitten expression.

 _I want to have his babies so bad,_ she thought.

* * *

"YOU DAMNED WHELP! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, SUMMONING ME HERE?"

Neji was transfixed in dread of the giant toad, horrified thoughts racing through his mind. He was breathing fast, and his face felt rather hot. Despite the sheer volume of the toad boss's bellowing—or maybe because of this—he did not actually make out what he was saying. Or he didn't pay attention to it, at least.

He felt a little...

Neji shivered.

He wondered how warm it would be inside a giant toad's stomach.

"NARUTO, YOU BRAT!" Gamabunta continued, reaching up try and brush the kid off of his head. "WHO SAID YOU COULD SUMMON ME? YOU AREN'T EVEN MY UNDERLING, YET!"

"I _summoned_ you!" Naruto shouted. "C'mon! Don't make a big deal about it, okay? I just want you to help me fight this guy—"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR FIGHTS, RUNT! I WON'T BE ORDERED AROUND BY SOME STRIPLING GREENHORN WHO'S NEVER EVEN HAD A CUP OF SAKE!"

Naruto was, at this point, beginning to realize that he might have made a slight miscalculation in summoning Gamabunta.

Neji, meanwhile, envisioned his clothes dissolving and imagined himself powerless in the deadly, smothering embrace of the giant toad's stomach. He was now immobilized by something quite different from fear.

* * *

Gaara stared dully, watching Naruto argue with his summon.

"...I can't tell if that guy's real strong or a total idiot," muttered Kankuro.

"Who says he can't be both?" Temari replied.

"Fair enough," said Kankuro.

Gaara growled, and both went fearfully silent.

* * *

Meanwhile, up in the kage box, Hiruzen Sarutobi thoughtfully puffed on his pipe.

"Well, it's an impressive accomplishment..." he said, half to himself.

"The boy can't control his summon?" said the Kazekage. "Pathetic."

"Even out of my own students, only Tsunade really has any respect and obedience from her familiars," Hiruzen replied, perhaps feeling a little defensive. He didn't exactly command unwavering service from Enma, himself.

"What of Orochimaru?"

"Hm? Oh, he was the worst of the three," said Hiruzen, waving a hand. "Of course, it's more to do with the familiar's temperament than anything else, but..."

Orochimaru, disguised as the Fourth Kazekage, twitched in annoyance.

* * *

"I still don't see why I should help you fight," growled Gamabunta, lowering his voice so it was only about as loud as a man shouting. "What do I get out of it?"

"Uhh... I'll feed you!" Naruto suggested. "I'll get you some food afterwards."

"You can't afford it, whelp."

Naruto winced, knowing the toad boss was probably right.

"Oh, cooomme oooon!" he said. "I'm looking like a jackass in front of everyone. Can't you help out just a little? Why'd Pervy Sage teach me summoning if it wasn't so I could use it?"

"Use it all you want," said Gamabunta. "But don't expect us to obey you without earning our respect, first. I'm the boss of Myobokuzan! I don't work for little kids who can't even buy a porn mag from the corner store. Come back when you've had a drink and lost your virginity, boy. Then we'll talk."

If Naruto were just a couple years older, this might have struck him as a very low blow. But he was still young enough not to especially care about drinking alcohol and losing his virginity. He might have taken the opportunities if they presented themselves, maybe, but he wasn't counting it a huge loss that he hadn't already had such experiences. He was only just thirteen, after all.

This didn't mean he wasn't annoyed on principle.

"YOU BIG JERK!" he hollered at the top of his lungs, stomping and swinging his arms. "C'MON! HELP A GUY OUT, Y'KNOW?!"

Irritated, Gamabunta snapped out his tongue and swallowed Naruto whole. Not to eat him. He just meant to give the kid a fright and knock him down a few pegs. Naruto didn't know that, of course. He'd already been swallowed by one giant animal, and he really didn't want to go through that _again_.

Neji almost whined in jealousy.

Kakashi looked away in exasperation.

Ino and Sakura were halfway to stripping each other naked, their fight had gotten so fierce, all while Lee and Shikamaru and Chouji watched.

Hinata whimpered and wished the toad had swallowed her alongside Naruto.

Orochimaru felt a sense of deja vu.

Hiruzen sighed and massaged his temples.

Naruto was just about to make the seal for a shadow clone jutsu when Gamabunta spat him back out and self-dismissed, the giant toad expectorating his summoner before dispelling. Neji cried out in dismay, seeing Gamabunta vanish.

Naruto, his hand in the cross seal of _kage bunshin no jutsu_ , became several dozen Naruto. And these hurdled into the ground like a blonde, orange clad meteor shower.

Neji didn't even have a chance to defend himself.

So in spite of some unusual circumstances, Naruto Uzumaki found himself the victor.

Now if only he could have looked cool while doing so.

He didn't much like being covered in toad drool.

* * *

A/N: A very silly commission from a friend. I don't suppose it's turned out as well as I should like, but maybe you guys will find it amusing regardless. I've been delayed in my next chapter of _To Restore a Clan_ for various reasons. Most of those reasons being stories you'll never see on this site, haha. But whatever. Hope y'all enjoyed this.

 **Updated:** 4-14-17

 **TTFN and R &R!**

– — ❤


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